Images in my head.

November 29, 2015, Columbia (Missouri.)

Through our shooting star and into the light we fly, grateful for all the joy in our lives.
It’s been a trying two weeks. Walking through hell and back on the wings of a few words, yes but pausing to give thanks, too, and that act of will redeeming.
And there was my birthday, and the pearl of messages from friends around the country and around the world on social media was a sweet reminder of my wandering life. It was a reminder of the power of the word. Words against the flow of images from all these years that have become unbearable to see for they remind me a little too much of death. Against the flow my friends’ thoughts dissolving the images away, images that I made and that made me, all those images now no more than a fool’s folly, not my truth, not anybody’s truth, just images willed out of what is now my history.
It has been a strange two weeks.
Dylan turned ten.
I remember turning ten, one of very few childhood memories, and the cake on the table in the large living room of that sixties-styled house in the South of France my father designed, the large living room my father wanted painted bright orange-red, the fireplace in the far corner, all concrete and consuming wood, the table with the cake my mother made and my family there and Paul and Hélène, my parents’ artist friends who lived down the street and were my grandparents growing up because my real grandparents were either dead or nonexistent, a cake and a present and two close friends, and it is all I needed, and that is all I need. I remember thinking getting two digits for sure meant the world belonged to me, I had finally attained the right to step onto the springboard to real life.
Remembering is all I seem to do these days, my circus life long gone but my present full of its trails, bits of nails left on the floor, the dust there.
It has been a long two weeks, a presence an absence an unflinching reality, and my history in pictures dancing in front of my eyes in his eyes.
It has been a strange two weeks, and I am exhausted but at peace in my world of mirrors.